Well folks,

It is late, and I cannot sleep. Troubled thoughts infest my mind, and I feel the only way for me to find rest is to share. Now, while I know that sharing in such a public forum as this is generally inadvisable, I am – at this point – quite incapable of stopping.

I am gravely disappointed with myself. It has become an unfortunate hobby of mine to look back at my past and think of how sharp I used to be.  I would hold hours long conversations with friends and be interesting, amicable, and enthusiastic.  I see myself now, and am disgusted.  While I still have good friends, and still engage in stimulating dialogues, I find that they are often without the verve of those from my highschool years.

I now feel slow, under-informed, and boring.  It is not that the life I currently lead is any less exciting than that of past years, it is that the fun of discussion seems to have evaporated.

What happened?  Where did I lose my ability to write for hours, and talk with lasting excitement?

One possibility is that the themes of discussion have become so much larger, thus requiring more focus, time, and effort to fully understand and consider.  In highschool (and my first year of university), topics were very personal, petty, and – to be honest – inconsequential.

Perhaps the reason my interactions felt so meaningful was that I was experiencing nearly the exact same situations as my peers.  We were all in the same classes, all trying to survive highschool, and all hoping to find our way in post-secondary education.  Now, however, we are all on seemingly divergent paths.  How can I possibly be expected to hold the same concerns as a nurse, or an engineer?

It has become increasingly difficult to find the common ground that united me with my friends. It may be that I have just as much to say as I once did, but now cannot find an appropriate outlet for my distress.

I believe that people grow and change.  Growth, to me, continues as long as a person experiences and learns new things.  It is our experiences that determine our world-view, and shape our personalities. Once you stop living closely to your friends, you stop growing at the same rate, or – more accurately – in the same way as them.  Resultantly, you become a different individual, one your old friends – who have also grown – may not recognize.

I am scared. Scared of the difficulty I am now going to have relating to my peers.  So many things that once defined my existence have waned in importance, while other – more specialized – interests have grown in weight. Topics of conversation that once formed a substantial portion of my socializing arsenal, now fail to keep me entertained. I grow bored of my conversation before my friends.

This may seem to be all too self-piteous, but I feel these are legitimate concerns.  How does one socialize with people who fail to interest? Friends are important, and I generally feel it to be a case of “the more the better,” but if every conversation is based on falsehood, how can the friendship exist?

The solution might simply be a diversification of interests.  Maybe… but I have been interested in so many things over the course of the past ten years, and each has reached and passed its peak.  I suppose I am just idly waiting for some spark to rekindle my enthusiasm, but that is ill-advised. I should be actively pursuing new experiences!

It has been too long since reality forced me to take an active stance. Since entering post-secondary education, I have been drifting listlessly along my life’s path, sliding by solely on natural ability.  There have been active moments, to be sure; experiences worth remembering and retelling, but I cannot help but feel disappointed with myself.

I have met great friends – people with whom I share many common interests – who will continue to be a major part of who I am.  I am so happy and thankful they decided to include me in their lives.  I am, however, worried that – as we each pursue our respective goals – our conversations, our ability to relate to each other, will deteriorate. I am therefore torn between a very dire need for change, and a deeply held desire to remain the same.

Please, do not misunderstand: I am happy that we are all moving closer to our dreams.  I am thankful for the good times we have had, and the good times that are to come.  The future may be uncertain, and uncertainty may be frightening, but that does not make the possibilities any less bright, any less positive.

Happy thoughts.

Thanks for reading,

MJ